Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Sleep Around. . .

(This piece was inspired by knowing more on the effects of rape and defilement in children)

Oh I got your attention ha? What? You wish you had read wrongly? No, you didn’t. I sleep around, like really, seriously. See, it is my favorite fun activity and I must admit I enjoy it a whole lot, you have no idea. 

I am currently twenty two years, just done with my university education and my parents are so proud.
They have been there for me, throughout and I love them so. I love to see their happy smiles but my immediate pleasure is from sex.

Wait!!! Don’t judge me yet. Oh but of course I know you have started judging me. I know, because you are so predictable. Just like any other human being on earth. Oh you make my skin crawl with your hypocritical self.  Read on, know my story, at the end of it, do not try to understand me because you will not. Just do not judge me either. And oh yes I know of protection and am currently on birth control. I say am smart. Hihihi

I started having sex when I was twelve years old. But sometimes when I think harder, I realize that it started way earlier than age twelve. I think it must have been age nine instead. My mind is vague on a lot of things from that time but seriously, I have a number of nightmares which always have me struggling with two different men. They always overpower me and have their way but try as I have, I do not get their faces.

What happened to me at age twelve was sex with an elderly man, out of fear that if I didn’t do it, he will beat me up. From age nine, that had been the situation. From my age twelve experience, I shut down, and didn’t talk to nobody. I didn’t know what had happened but I knew it made me cry. Eventually, I could not even sit to hear anybody mention sex. I shut down completely till third year in university.

I had never really dated anyone for all the time because I was afraid of men. In third year, and as part of my psychology class, I started reading and read more into my situation. I got to understand what had happened to me and the effect of me never talking about it. There was a lifetime potential of me never ever having sex, and there was also the potential of me changing and having sex a lot more. The former didn’t look appealing enough so I opted for the second which felt dangerously and pleasurably adventurous. I started off by starring at my naked body in the mirror and accepting that indeed, this is me. When I was comfortable enough with my body, my adventure had started.

I have had it all, and still having it all. I love it that I get to explore different men. Oh please, shut up on your judgment. I know it is wrong. I say I am happy because facing the truth is still difficult for me. Instead of being all so judgmental, look at your children, your nephews and nieces and smaller cousins, males and females alike. Spend time with them and make them comfortable such that if anyone should defile them, they can easily run to you and tell you no matter the treats. I was abused and defiled. I didn’t get to go to therapy and now, here I am, at twenty two, and instead of hating all these activities, am rather going round it to embrace it and myself. I hope to stop someday, and soon. But it is not easy. I know there are so many girls and boys like me around. Sleeping around and regretting every time yet doing it again, almost instantly.
Don’t applaud me, because I don’t applaud myself. I embrace myself. But more importantly, do not judge me.

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